I could write 6,000 reasons, but I’ll leave it at six for now
Why am I writing about this? Because the temp dropped to 36 degrees this morning here in South Florida and when I went searching for the one hoodie I still own, I came across my vintage 1996 Northern Highlands High School Varsity Jacket, featuring the unique and wonderful combination of both swimming and football patches
Look at this glorious bastard:
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To this day, I have not seen a varsity jacket with a swimmer on it AND a patch that says ‘FB and CB’. Yeah, that’s right. I was one of our country’s finest fullback/cornerback/butterfly aficionados in the mid 90s. The best part is that I sucked at fullback and cornerback and I was basically a punter and special teams head hunter, so…. The jacket’s a bit misleading. Nevertheless, check out how terrific my chest patch was:
Look at that speedo! Look at that football! They belong together!
Moving on, I grabbed the jacket out of the closet and threw it on to walk the dog and I was instantly 50x more awesome than I was without it. Why? I have a theory.
Well, six of them, actually:
ONE: Putting on a varsity jacket in your early 40s is about as close as you’re going to get to unzipping your current self and stepping into your 18-year-old self.
You remember your old high school self?… Back when the only thing on your schedule was to eat $15 worth of Taco Bell, talk shit during an NBA Jam tournament in your basement and figure out which lucky lady you were going to ask to Homecoming? And then who you’d ask after she said no? The glory days!
TWO: You LOOK kind of like how you used to look. Yeah, my posture kind of sucks now, but other than that, from about forty feet away I think I could still pass for my 18-year-old self. Or at least my 22-year-old self. Up close, no way, but still, I’ll take a few minutes in the way-back machine.
THREE: Is this what it feels like when Iron Man gears up in his suit? Well, it’s probably the closest a schmuck like me is going to get. Buttoning up your varsity jacket brings back the old invincible mindset I used to have when I put this thing on… I’m not joking… For a few seconds, I felt twenty years younger. Suddenly, my left knee stopped hurting and I could eat a family-sized bag of Doritos and then play basketball for nine hours straight and then go out all night.
FOUR: They can conceal anything. Am I wearing a bulletproof vest under this thing? Am I concealing a foot long meatball sub? Am I smuggling a golden retriever puppy? Maybe? Maybe not. I could have a bazooka under here and you wouldn’t know. These things are baggy as hell.
FIVE: It confuses people and starts awesome conversations. Also, anyone who stops you on the street who had a similar high school experience will immediately wonder where their jacket is and go dig it up when they get home to try it on. Then they’ll reflect on their athletic peak like you did and the cycle of great memories continues. Let’s call it the Al Bundy flywheel.
SIX: No matter who you are. No matter your body type or what you look like. You will automatically look exponentially more dope with a varsity jacket. It’s a proven fact backed by years of double-blind, placebo controlled scientific studies.
Don’t believe me? Go put yours on right now.