Written By: Jon Finkel
I invented something a few years ago called the “One Bar Theory”. It’s a theory not as complicated as the one Pythagorus came up with and yet every bit as important as Darwin’s. Here it is: men only need one bar of soap to handle all of their hygienic needs. But wait, you might be thinking, don’t I need shampoo and conditioner and face wash and body lotion and shaving cream and pre-shave butter and post-shave eucalyptus and blah, blah, blah???
No.
You need none of those things. If you like them, by all means, use them. I am not here to tell you how to bathe nor do I care to. Whatever floats your boat, buddy. But I believe as dudes we have been systematically convinced by advertising and the media that every body part needs its own special, unique cleaner and if you don’t follow the rules you’re a caveman who shouldn’t be allowed to exist in modern society. It’s another attempt to remove money from your wallet while telling you what men “should” do, which in the eyes of most in the media, means to be less masculine. I’ll let Gorilla Mindset author and defender of men Mike Cernovich fight that battle in society. I’m just here today to fight it in the shower, because a few years ago I looked around my shower at a half-dozen bottles and dispensers and bars and thought, “what the hell is going on here? How did this happen? Why do I need all this crap?” That was my flux capacitor moment. I had enough.
Rather than spend upwards of 30 seconds each shower opening caps, closing caps, pumping dispensers and squeezing mint-scented foam and gel on my body and face, I figured I could be doing all of those things with one bar of soap – but it had to be the right bar of soap. I wasn’t looking to just battle test a run-of-the-mill supermarket bar. Those are filled with chemicals and fillers and are built to be inadequate for full body and shaving use, forcing you to purchase other products for the company.
No, after vast amounts of research and testing, there’s only one bar of soap that had the fortitude, the versatility and the gumption to handle all the responsibilities of cleaning a man’s body, his face and his hair while producing a full enough lather to shave with. And that soap is none other than Grandpa’s Pine Tar Wonder Soap, which has fittingly been using the same basic formula since 1878.*
And before you think it’s some fancy pants designer soap that’s $29.99 for a 2 oz. bar, that isn’t the case. The 4 oz. bar is under $5 and lasts about a month. I use it for everything: shampoo, face, body and shaving cream. It has more than adequately replaced all other items in the shower and I don’t know whether it’s a placebo effect or not, but there’s something refreshing about having only one bar to deal with. In a complicated world of 4-Step moisturizers, two-stage face creams and 50-page applications for everything, having a single Swiss Army Knife of a soap bar in the shower that is ready to handle what you need is invigorating. It’s no frills, no BS, peak shower efficiency.
And I haven’t even gotten to the smell yet. Simply put, it is phenomenal: a cross between a lumberjack, a pine tree forest and a wood-burning fire. It’s what a Ron Swanson cologne would smell like if it was on Chuck Norris. It’s the answer to the flower-scented, herb-filled nonsense mainstream toiletry companies have been trying to hoist on you since you turned 13. It’s pure man.
*Full disclosure: I have zero affiliation with the good people at Grandpa’s. I’ve never met them or been in contact with them. I simply think they make a hell of a bar of soap.
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Jon Finkel is the author of Forces of Character with 3x Super Bowl Champion and Fighter Pilot, Chad Hennings, Heart Over Height with 3x NBA Slam Dunk Champion Nate Robinson, as well as Jocks In Chief, the hit fatherhood book, The Dadvantage – Stay in Shape on No Sleep with No Time and No Equipment, and all twelve volumes in the Greatest Stars of the NBA book series for the National Basketball Association, which won several ALA Young Reader Awards.
As a feature writer, he has written for Men’s Health, Men’s Fitness, Muscle & Fitness, GQ, Details, The New York Times, AskMen.com, ComedyCentral.com, Yahoo! Sports’ ThePostGame.com and many more. His work received a notable mention in the 2015 Best American Sports Writing anthology.