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Jon Finkel

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Excerpts – CHAPTER 7: Manly Rules for Naming Man’s Best Friend

Filed Under: ExcerptsFebruary 15, 2012

Presidents are notorious for giving their dogs politically correct names (See: Bill Clinton re: Buddy or Gerald Ford re: Liberty). Lyndon Johnson even had a pair of beagles he simply named Him and Her. But our manliest president, Teddy Roosevelt, would have none of that. Not only does he have a dog breed named after him (the Teddy Roosevelt Terrier) he is also responsible for perhaps the two coolest Oval Office dog names around: Sailor Boy and Blackjack. Since you don’t have your own dog breed named after you and you’re not likely to become the leader of the free world, we thought we’d provide you with a little assistance when it comes to the art of picking a manly name for your dog.

1) When it comes to female dog names, if you’re a single guy, steer clear of naming her after your favorite actress or supermodel (unless you want to end up like Michael Rapaport’s character in Beautiful Girls). Your buddies might think it’s funny, but grown women will think you’re fifteen.

2) Ironic names are like somewhat clever/funny voice mail recordings; they’re usually not as funny as you think they are, but even if they work, they’re only funny once, so don’t use them. Introducing your 10-pound Maltese named Bear might get a smile from some people, but then again, it might not. Also, if you’re a man, why do you have a Maltese? The only thing with the word ‘Maltese’ in it that should be in your house is a copy of the Dashiell Hammett novel.

3) No car names for dogs. If you can’t afford a Lexus, don’t name your dog Lexus. If you can’t afford a BMW, don’t name your dog Beamer. It makes you look ridiculous. If you can afford these cars and you name a dog after your car, that’s probably the reason people don’t return your phone calls.

4) Dogs named after brands of alcohol are hard to pull off. As a rule, the more masculine the drink, the greater chance the name might be a success. Also, liquor names tend to work better than beer names: A Doberman named Johnny Walker? Possibly. A black lab named Guinness? Maybe. An Irish Setter named Jameson? You might be on to something. A Weimaraner named Corona or Patron? Doubtful. This last one falls under the little known rule that men should never have a dog named after a shot of liquor that is commonly ordered by Lindsay Lohan at the Chateau Marmont.

For the complete list of awesome rules for naming your four-legged friend, buy The Three Dollar Scholar today for $2.99.

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Jon Finkel is the award-winning author of The Athlete, Heart Over Height, “Mean” Joe Greene, The Dadvantage, Forces of Character and other books about icons, fatherhood and fitness. His work has been endorsed by a range of luminaries, from Spike Lee and Tony Dungy to Jerry Jones, Kurt Warner and Jeff Van Gundy.

He is the co-host of the Life of Dad Sports Show, an avid speaker, writer and creative strategist for some of the biggest brands in sports and health.

As a feature writer, he has written for GQ, Men’s Health, Men’s Fitness, The New York Times and many more.

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Books with Icons

The Athlete: Greatness, Grace and the Unprecedented Life of Charlie Ward
“Mean” Joe Greene: Built By Football
Forces of Character: Conversations About Building a Life of Impact
Heart Over Height: The Improbable Rise of Nate Robinson

Watch the Trailer Here:

Books for People Who Like to Know Stuff

The Three Dollar Scholar: Awesome Advice for Acing Life’s Major Decisions and Mindless Debates
Jocks in Chief: From Football Stars and Brawlers to Feats of Strength and Iron Butt, A Complete Ranking of the Most Athletic Presidents of the United States

Watch Jon’s interview discussing Jocks in Chief live on CBS: This Morning here:

Books for Kids:

 

Tastebudless Bud: Epic Tales from Doughnesia and How I Won the Food Fight of the Century

Watch the Tastebudless Bud Trailer:

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